You don’t know what made you do it.
You were feeling so good. You were feeling pumped. You were listening to the music and you were singing that song, lyrics wrong, but fuck it, right, it wasn’t your fault you were born?!
Jamming along. Oh yeah! Look at me go! I’m checking these emails, I’m like ch-ch-checking these emails, send, retrieve, send, retrieve, you were ON FIRE, your fingers were blazing up on that keypad, knocking in those digits, BISH BASH BOSH, send, retrieve, send retrieve, you’re like – a professional now, at all this emailing bullshit, somebody employ me in ADMIN, come on, look – eyes shut – BANG, SEND, DONE, hello reply! Oh, no hands, I’m using my toes, I’m toeing that keypad, don’t worry about it, I’m a pro, I’m like – on fire; oh ‘regards’, ‘your sincerely’ LOVELY, WONDERFUL, ‘I’M WILLING TO DO YOUR SHIT WITHOUT BEING PAID THAT’S HOW SOLID I AM MOTHER-FUCKERS’ – confirmation – message sent – fifty a day, DONE, employment, and you’re in the game, baby.
You are. On fire.
You’re sweating. You’ve burnt enough calories in equivalent to a twenty minute run on the treadmill. Just working those fingers. A little bead of sweat, dropping down your nose. Mmmm. Sexy. Don’t even worry about it. It’s work baby. It’s called job hunting.
Yeah, my heart rate is above 100. And what? You want to feel my forearm. Yeah, look at that tensed muscle. That popping vien. No I’m not on steroids; I’m just typing with finger weights, don’t even worry about it. I’m shaking? Ha. Can you see me shaking?! No, you can’t. Exactly. It’s not nerves (laughs derisively) nerves are for the weak, the failing, the unemployed, nerves were expelled long ago, you’re not shaking, who shakes, who the fuck shakes? Losers shake, you want to be scared of those phone calls you go eat twenty McDonalds and gain two stone, it’s called GIVING UP, it’s for the weak, the failing, the unemployed, hell yeah, I’m not letting rejection get me down, I’m like a warrior, I’m like a Spartan or a Viking or a Space Marine, or a mother-fucking ORK, I’m talking about War Hammer, and what!?
So yeah, I’ve had some coke, no not the drug, the drink. Same equivalent. ADDICTION.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT MADE ME DO IT!
Maybe it was the insufficient funds in my account. Maybe it was the coke in my bloodstream, pumping like two shots of Expresso taken in each eyeball, yeah, four in total. Maybe it was the Zara Business Coat, rattling in the wardrobe (ignore it ignore it ignore it) maybe, it was the sound of my heart once I had suddenly stopped typing.
Silence.
Pump, pump pump.
Don’t even worry about it. I’m just a just human.
Internet searching. Asos. Clothes clothes clothes TOO BAD ABOUT THE MONEY clothes clothes clothes, retail therapy, don’t you think you deserve those lovely suede boots YES YES YES I DO I DO I DO, all this hard work, I’ll loan the money off a friend, fuck, I HAVEN’T GOT ANY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY KNOW I HAVE NO MONEY, don’t make me go back to the job centre don’t make me do it. Search engine. Africa. TAKE ME PLEASE! Documentaries: Surviving a plane crash. Why would you want to survive? Hahaha joke, sometimes I actually make myself laugh, David Attenborough, oh how I would have loved his job, I’m sending him my telepathic vibes, distraction, cup of tea, ignore the emails, you’ve had enough,
SHOVE FIVE BISCUITS IN YOUR MOUTH
Holy fuck balls what have I done, down two pints of water, resort to casual bulimia, don’t even worry about it, it’s only casual, HOW LOVELY look at that cute little bag, would have gone beautifully with the ZARA BUSINESS COAT, don’t mention it, don’t mention it, cheap flights, ‘cheap’: yeah right, and then –
Horoscopes.
Now we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel. What barrel? And can I sell it?
The future. You have never been superstitious. But What If? What if? So many ‘What Ifs’ coupled with so many choices and suddenly…
Did I tell you? They offered me The Job?
Gemini:
‘Versatility is a great keyword for this dual sign. Expressive and quick-witted, the Gemini presents two distinctive sides to his or her personality, and you can never be sure with which one you're going to come face-to-face. On one hand, the Gemini can be outgoing, flirtatious, communicative, and ready for fun, fun, fun. Yet when the other twin is present, you can find this air sign contemplative, serious, restless, and even indecisive. Both twins are able to adapt to life's circumstances well, making them wonderful people to know. Things are never boring when a Gemini is on the scene.’
Schizophrenic.
Schizophrenic.
Schizo – fucking - phrenic
Is the computer calling me a Schizophrenic? Can it see me?
How did it do that? Does it know me? How does it know me? Oh my God, is it watching me? Is there a Gemini God? Oh no! How many other Gemini’s are there, like me, destined to be Schizophrenic? And how does it know me? Does it know me? HOW DOES IT KNOW ME?!
It’s fine, I’m cool, don’t even worry about it.
Don’t even worry about it, don’t even worry, I’m not worried, are you worried, who’s worried, who’s worried, OH GOD, I am worried, are you worried, I am, I AM WORRIED Oh no, I am shaking, I am shaking, look, I’ve got the shakes, OH NO, the shakes have returned,
SHIT IN A BAG THERE GOES THE PHONE
RING RING, RING RING,
IT MIGHT BE WORK, ASKING ME TO ACTUALLY WORK
It’s like an irritating child needing attention SHUT THE FUCK UP, nobody gives a shit about you, you were a mistake, you’re weren’t meant to be BORN you aren’t NATURAL
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DRIIIIIIINNNNKKKK TTTHHHHEEE CCCOOOKKEE
(Drink the coke, drink the coke, sip sip sip yum yum yum liquid syrup, better now much better!)
THEY. ARE. WATCHING. YOU.
Who? I don’t know. The stars. The star Gods. God? Is there a God? I don’t know. I JUST DON’T KNOW. What if it’s true after all, what if all along I could have just logged into the computer and typed in my details and it would have said January, 10th 2012 you will fall down a man hole I HAVE A JOB.
Ring ring, ring ring,
Its like a horror film, it feels like Scream, or The Ring, SEVEN DAYS, more like one, I start tomorrow, what was I thinking; I can work, can’t I? Right? I can work? Piece of piss, just got to make some coffees, heat up some milk, BUT what if I burn myself on the milk, what if I burn the milk and it bubbles over and then I have a hand scarred for life, or even my face, what if I walk into a colleague carrying a knife and it stabs me in the eye and then I go blind, what if I’ve forgotten how to work; you mean, I’m actually going to be doing something, are you trying to tell me I’m actually going to have be doing something?
HOLY SHIT CRAP WANK the phone has rang off, I missed the phone call, ring them back ring them back ring them back, NO! DON’T RING THEM!
Ring them ring them ring them, OK OK I’LL RING THEM ILL CALL THEM,
OH HANG ON THEY’RE RINGING ME! (Ring ring, ring ring)
(Caller) “Hello, is this Amber Hillier?”
(Me) (posh voice, calm, breathing measured, fresh smile) Speaking.
(Caller) Hi there, this is someone or other calling from someplace or another, we’d like to know if you are still looking for work
(Oh no oh no I have a job I have a job ALREADY, don’t say it, don’t say it don’t say –)
(Me) Yep, I certainly am available to work (what am I doing what am I doing what am I doing?)
(Caller) Great, you’ll be able to start training next week?
(no I can’t, no I can’t, no I can’t)
(Me) Yes, of course I can
(You don’t want it you don’t want it you aren’t free what are you doing?)
(Me) (Chat chat chat autopilot, am I speaking? Oh, I guess I am oh look at that I’ve confirmed and hung up, why am I holding a pen, oops, I must have written in my diary when IM AT WORK TRAINING(?) except for the fact that I ALREADY HAVE A JOB)
Ring them back ring them back ring them back, you don’t want it you don’t want it you don’t want it, I DO I DO I DO I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT! Two jobs two jobs two jobs what is happening what is happening I cant deal with this I want to be unemployed take me back two months and I’ll do it all again, I KNOW WHAT TO DO, JUST LET ME CHECK MY HOROSCOPE!
Gemini, 18th October 2011:
The Rolling Stones said it best, "I can't get no satisfaction," and that's how you've been feeling lately, Gemini. Indeed, looking back on your recent activities, you may feel a bit like a character in Wonderland - running as fast as you can just to stay in the same place. The day ahead will provide some relief and open up new, more fulfilling opportunities.
To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was going for with this blog.
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