So,
I haven’t written in a while.
I’m guessing people are beginning to think I’m happily employed.
HA!
(Long Silence.)
So…..
(Drums fingers on keypad trying to squeeze out words as though attempting to rid oneself entirely of blackheads. ((There are simply too many of them, and they all just sit there, saying the obvious which is – ‘human beings have hormones.’))
Work….
(Long Silence.)
So…….
“How’s work?”
“Yes fine, thank you, how’s work?”
“Yes, fine, thank you.”
(Silence)
So……
(Silence)
“What is it you do now?”
“I am a food and beverage assistant.”
“Oh right, lovely, what does that involve?”
“It means I assist the food and beverage.”
“Oh right, lovely, yes.”
(Silence)
So…..
(Silence)
You… like it?
(Silence)
Yep! I love it!
(Silence. Interrogator stares obviously. Looks to stomach – can’t work out if I’m pregnant. He obviously thinks I’m very desperate for a job to be enjoying the role of assisting the food and beverage. Looks to face. Narrows his eyes curiously. I can tell he is tempted to take my temperature.)
So……..
(Silence)
What now?!
(Silence. The silences are getting so irritating I’m starting to get annoyed even typing them.)
What!?
(Silence)
Seriously what?!
(Silence)
Ok, so why is there that awkward shall-I-laugh-not-sure-if-she’s-joking-clearly-she’s-a-good-actress-she-must-still-have-it-in-her-from-her-drama-degree-look going on?!
(Silence)
Yes! Ok yes! I genuinely admit it - I love assisting the food and beverage. It’s a fact! I like it! I’m not joking! Why do you think I’m joking? Do you think I’m joking?! I can promise you, I am not joking! It is lovely. The people are lovely. The customers are lovely. I am lovely. The beverage is lovely. The outfits are lovely. The food is lovely. The curry is especially lovely. The free lime and soda’s are very very lovely. My boss is lovely. The place is lovely. I think it is lovely. I think it is lovely! Do you think it is lovely?
(Silence)
A friend of mine dropped in a CV at work today and I saw him, his manic jobless eyes darting back and forth about the place like a crazy man, as though frantically searching for the gold at the end of the rainbow. I recognised his symptoms immediately. Poor bugger. Looked ill. Looked exhausted. You would have thought he’d come straight from hospital, the way the colour was drained from his cheeks, the way his face had a dead, clammy sheen to it. I was like ‘yes good fellow, there is still hope my friend, cling on to the fact that you made it here on a bicycle and didn’t need to spend any petrol money, cling on to the fact that your mother loves you, cling on to the fact that you can go home and have a cup of tea and clutch your degree and watch a documentary. And stay away from drugs. You don’t need them just yet.
Just. Yet.
(Silence)
Sigh. I am in a very good place right now. I may only be making enough money to give my belly the beans on toast it so desires but still – at least I can safely say that I will never crash my car on the way to the job centre again, for fear of missing an appointment.
Not that it happened. I’m not saying it did. If it did I wouldn’t say, surely. I’m just saying….
My mother reads this. So.
(Silence)
I know what people are thinking when I tell them I am a food and beverage assistant. They are thinking – she spent over £9000 on tuition fees and now she is making minimum wage assisting in food and beverage.
That’s what they are thinking.
And nobody’s job is as hard as theirs, clearly.
Oh yes. From what I’ve heard it’s a competition these days. Whoever has had the least amount of sleep appears to be the person who is the most over worked. Or so the theory goes……
Come on! I mean…..
Being a food and beverage assistant is every drama kids dream. Perfect for those that did drama without really knowing why they were doing it except that they liked it and - “No. They didn’t want to be an actress when they were older.”
At the golf club I have had to use my drama degree on several occasions. For example, I will demonstrate to you just how useful my drama degree has been in this step by step guide to using drama in the workplace:
How to use a Drama Degree in the workplace:
- - When you spill boiling hot soup on your finger, refrain from singing loudly “cunt shit bugger wank,” and instead whisper quietly in a cutsie-pie voice “oops silly me, I’m such a wally.”
- Turn you laughter into a cough whilst the Mayor enters at a function, to the blowing of trumpets and the ting of a triangle I KNOW!!! AND HE’S TEN MINUTES LATE!!! Get out of here you cheeky monkey! The starters have all gone cold!
- - Sing the National Anthem at other such function events, very loudly, with poise and passion.
- - In relation to the above comment, once again, turn your laughter into a cough. (Soon you will have the perfect ‘laugh and cough’ technique. You may even start to manage it without excreting any bodily fluids at the same time. Well done you, good work all round!)
- - Sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at other such birthday function events, very loudly, also with poise and passion. (Try to do this whilst carrying cake, whilst watching the flames, whilst trying not to spit, whilst breathing in the delicious smell of chocolate and hoping a candle will blow out simply so you can make the wish ‘please oh please oh please can I have some of your birthday cake.’)
- - In response to the mother of the birthday child when she utters, clutching her ears, ‘oh that was very out of tune,’ DO NOT SAY ‘This isn’t broadway bitch, now do you want me to cut this cake or do you want me to put it in your face.’ Instead smile, giggle and say, ‘I had an operation on my throat two weeks ago.’ Then when she offers you cake, take it. And eat it. And put a hand to your voice box, struggling to swallow. Mmmm. Oh it hurts. (My waistline.) Cake is so worth it.
- - Whilst hosting a wake, you must make sure you get your expression, just right. That’s it, not too happy, not too sad, a little bit of sympathy, a little bit of encouragement, a nice little nod, especially if the deceased was of the older generation, the old people all love a nice encouraging nod. ‘That’s it, coffee is over there, just help yourselves.’ If a customer corners you and starts to initiate personal conversation about the past, make sure you are near a window so you can check the expression on your face whilst you work, and then bring out the serious pat on the back technique before moving swiftly for cover in the safety of the kitchen. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ASK THE GUESTS – “HAVE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY?” They will think you are rude and retarded.
- - Learn to say “I’m sorry” sincerely. “I’m sorrys” are, undoubtedly necessary, regardless of situation.
- - The process of rehearsing is absolutely vital in a workplace that involves nosy and intrusive customers that want to know a lot more than simply what ‘the cake of the day’ is. You must pre-prepare answers to every single question you may be asked to avoid flushed face, social awkwardness and itchy red nervous rash (yes, you are still scared of talking to people.) You know you are in the shit when asked what your annual salary is. You are on a weekly wage. Like your next door neighbour’s fourteen year old and all her friends that are working slave labour without even realising it. But the customer doesn’t really need to know all this. Does she?*
- *In response to the above, you have always been bought up to believe the previous salary related question is rude. But now you realise, through experience, the feigned ‘rudeness’ of the question was simply a cover, a defence mechanism to avoid potential bullying and shame from other - more successful - peers.
- - You know you are scraping the bottom of the barrel when you are asked “what is your most important life aim?” and you reply “to be a good wife.”
- - For some reason the above point is unacceptable. So you change your answer “to become a good mother.” And then nobody employs you because they’re suspecting an early (and ongoing) maternity leave.
- - Possibly the hardest drama challenge yet – ALWAYS PRETEND TO BE HAVING A GOOD TIME. Even when you have just been informed your dog has died. Even when your telephone bill is £20 too expensive (it’s only £20 anyway.) Even when you are so hungover you literally could not remember your own name. Even when you are so tired you can’t even be arsed to masturbate on the evenings. That’s it. Smile. And for God’s sake turn your shirt the right way in, how did you even manage to get it on inside out when the buttons were on the inside rubbing against your skin?!
My oh my I am a busy bee! So very very busy with the all the work I am doing when I am not at work! So very very busy doing my…. Yeah, doing all that, just going to put the radio on, oh man I am so busy just listening to that radio, oh yeah, having a sit, resting those legs, hello legs, get rested! I must watch the news, I am such a busy bee being busy watching the news because of my really important job, oh no wait I just want to be a good GIRLFRIEND I forgot better just put on the dinner obviously that’s the most important thing, smile, smile, smile, god I am BUSY aren’t I so very IMPORTANT aren’t I, oh yes I’d better go and make myself useful doing all the other stuff I’m good at like making coffee –
£9000.
£9000.
£9000.
£9000.
£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.
OH HOLY SHIT FUCK WANK TITS AND BALLS AND COCK ALL AT ONCE HOWEVER WILL I EVER SEE THIS MONEY AGAIN?!?!?!
£9000.
How many hours work will I have to do in order to recreate this sum?!?! I never was very good at maths?! I’m just a drama student!
An ex-drama student!
An ex-drama student that never really did any drama!
Oh Dear God! Yes Him! He’s laughing at me! Come back down here you cheeky monkey, I want a word with you!
Fuck, the dinner’s burning.
Lousy wife I’m going to make.
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