A Fairly Adequate Life: October 2011

Monday, 31 October 2011

How to use Drama effectively in the Workplace....

So,

I haven’t written in a while.

I’m guessing people are beginning to think I’m happily employed.

HA!

(Long Silence.)

So…..

(Drums fingers on keypad trying to squeeze out words as though attempting to rid oneself entirely of blackheads. ((There are simply too many of them, and they all just sit there, saying the obvious which is – ‘human beings have hormones.’))

Work….

(Long Silence.)

So…….

“How’s work?”

“Yes fine, thank you, how’s work?”

“Yes, fine, thank you.”

(Silence)

So……

(Silence)

“What is it you do now?”

“I am a food and beverage assistant.”

“Oh right, lovely, what does that involve?”

“It means I assist the food and beverage.”

“Oh right, lovely, yes.”

(Silence)

So…..

(Silence)

You… like it?

(Silence)

Yep! I love it!

(Silence. Interrogator stares obviously. Looks to stomach – can’t work out if I’m pregnant. He obviously thinks I’m very desperate for a job to be enjoying the role of assisting the food and beverage. Looks to face. Narrows his eyes curiously. I can tell he is tempted to take my temperature.)

So……..

(Silence)

What now?!

(Silence. The silences are getting so irritating I’m starting to get annoyed even typing them.)

What!?

(Silence)

Seriously what?!

(Silence)

Ok, so why is there that awkward shall-I-laugh-not-sure-if-she’s-joking-clearly-she’s-a-good-actress-she-must-still-have-it-in-her-from-her-drama-degree-look going on?!

(Silence)

Yes! Ok yes! I genuinely admit it - I love assisting the food and beverage. It’s a fact! I like it! I’m not joking! Why do you think I’m joking? Do you think I’m joking?! I can promise you, I am not joking! It is lovely. The people are lovely. The customers are lovely. I am lovely. The beverage is lovely. The outfits are lovely. The food is lovely. The curry is especially lovely. The free lime and soda’s are very very lovely. My boss is lovely. The place is lovely. I think it is lovely. I think it is lovely! Do you think it is lovely?

(Silence)

A friend of mine dropped in a CV at work today and I saw him, his manic jobless eyes darting back and forth about the place like a crazy man, as though frantically searching for the gold at the end of the rainbow. I recognised his symptoms immediately. Poor bugger. Looked ill. Looked exhausted. You would have thought he’d come straight from hospital, the way the colour was drained from his cheeks, the way his face had a dead, clammy sheen to it. I was like ‘yes good fellow, there is still hope my friend, cling on to the fact that you made it here on a bicycle and didn’t need to spend any petrol money, cling on to the fact that your mother loves you, cling on to the fact that you can go home and have a cup of tea and clutch your degree and watch a documentary. And stay away from drugs. You don’t need them just yet.

Just. Yet.

(Silence)

Sigh. I am in a very good place right now. I may only be making enough money to give my belly the beans on toast it so desires but still – at least I can safely say that I will never crash my car on the way to the job centre again, for fear of missing an appointment.

Not that it happened. I’m not saying it did. If it did I wouldn’t say, surely. I’m just saying….

My mother reads this. So.

(Silence)

I know what people are thinking when I tell them I am a food and beverage assistant. They are thinking – she spent over £9000 on tuition fees and now she is making minimum wage assisting in food and beverage.

That’s what they are thinking.

And nobody’s job is as hard as theirs, clearly.

Oh yes. From what I’ve heard it’s a competition these days. Whoever has had the least amount of sleep appears to be the person who is the most over worked. Or so the theory goes……

Come on! I mean…..

Being a food and beverage assistant is every drama kids dream. Perfect for those that did drama without really knowing why they were doing it except that they liked it and - “No. They didn’t want to be an actress when they were older.”

At the golf club I have had to use my drama degree on several occasions. For example, I will demonstrate to you just how useful my drama degree has been in this step by step guide to using drama in the workplace:

How to use a Drama Degree in the workplace:

- - When you spill boiling hot soup on your finger, refrain from singing loudly “cunt shit bugger wank,” and instead whisper quietly in a cutsie-pie voice “oops silly me, I’m such a wally.”

- Turn you laughter into a cough whilst the Mayor enters at a function, to the blowing of trumpets and the ting of a triangle I KNOW!!! AND HE’S TEN MINUTES LATE!!! Get out of here you cheeky monkey! The starters have all gone cold!

- - Sing the National Anthem at other such function events, very loudly, with poise and passion.

- - In relation to the above comment, once again, turn your laughter into a cough. (Soon you will have the perfect ‘laugh and cough’ technique. You may even start to manage it without excreting any bodily fluids at the same time. Well done you, good work all round!)

- - Sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at other such birthday function events, very loudly, also with poise and passion. (Try to do this whilst carrying cake, whilst watching the flames, whilst trying not to spit, whilst breathing in the delicious smell of chocolate and hoping a candle will blow out simply so you can make the wish ‘please oh please oh please can I have some of your birthday cake.’)

- - In response to the mother of the birthday child when she utters, clutching her ears, ‘oh that was very out of tune,’ DO NOT SAY ‘This isn’t broadway bitch, now do you want me to cut this cake or do you want me to put it in your face.’ Instead smile, giggle and say, ‘I had an operation on my throat two weeks ago.’ Then when she offers you cake, take it. And eat it. And put a hand to your voice box, struggling to swallow. Mmmm. Oh it hurts. (My waistline.) Cake is so worth it.

- - Whilst hosting a wake, you must make sure you get your expression, just right. That’s it, not too happy, not too sad, a little bit of sympathy, a little bit of encouragement, a nice little nod, especially if the deceased was of the older generation, the old people all love a nice encouraging nod. ‘That’s it, coffee is over there, just help yourselves.’ If a customer corners you and starts to initiate personal conversation about the past, make sure you are near a window so you can check the expression on your face whilst you work, and then bring out the serious pat on the back technique before moving swiftly for cover in the safety of the kitchen. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ASK THE GUESTS – “HAVE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY?” They will think you are rude and retarded.

- - Learn to say “I’m sorry” sincerely. “I’m sorrys” are, undoubtedly necessary, regardless of situation.

- - The process of rehearsing is absolutely vital in a workplace that involves nosy and intrusive customers that want to know a lot more than simply what ‘the cake of the day’ is. You must pre-prepare answers to every single question you may be asked to avoid flushed face, social awkwardness and itchy red nervous rash (yes, you are still scared of talking to people.) You know you are in the shit when asked what your annual salary is. You are on a weekly wage. Like your next door neighbour’s fourteen year old and all her friends that are working slave labour without even realising it. But the customer doesn’t really need to know all this. Does she?*

- *In response to the above, you have always been bought up to believe the previous salary related question is rude. But now you realise, through experience, the feigned ‘rudeness’ of the question was simply a cover, a defence mechanism to avoid potential bullying and shame from other - more successful - peers.

- - You know you are scraping the bottom of the barrel when you are asked “what is your most important life aim?” and you reply “to be a good wife.”

- - For some reason the above point is unacceptable. So you change your answer “to become a good mother.” And then nobody employs you because they’re suspecting an early (and ongoing) maternity leave.

- - Possibly the hardest drama challenge yet – ALWAYS PRETEND TO BE HAVING A GOOD TIME. Even when you have just been informed your dog has died. Even when your telephone bill is £20 too expensive (it’s only £20 anyway.) Even when you are so hungover you literally could not remember your own name. Even when you are so tired you can’t even be arsed to masturbate on the evenings. That’s it. Smile. And for God’s sake turn your shirt the right way in, how did you even manage to get it on inside out when the buttons were on the inside rubbing against your skin?!

My oh my I am a busy bee! So very very busy with the all the work I am doing when I am not at work! So very very busy doing my…. Yeah, doing all that, just going to put the radio on, oh man I am so busy just listening to that radio, oh yeah, having a sit, resting those legs, hello legs, get rested! I must watch the news, I am such a busy bee being busy watching the news because of my really important job, oh no wait I just want to be a good GIRLFRIEND I forgot better just put on the dinner obviously that’s the most important thing, smile, smile, smile, god I am BUSY aren’t I so very IMPORTANT aren’t I, oh yes I’d better go and make myself useful doing all the other stuff I’m good at like making coffee –

£9000.

£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.

£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.£9000.

OH HOLY SHIT FUCK WANK TITS AND BALLS AND COCK ALL AT ONCE HOWEVER WILL I EVER SEE THIS MONEY AGAIN?!?!?!

£9000.

How many hours work will I have to do in order to recreate this sum?!?! I never was very good at maths?! I’m just a drama student!

An ex-drama student!

An ex-drama student that never really did any drama!

Oh Dear God! Yes Him! He’s laughing at me! Come back down here you cheeky monkey, I want a word with you!

Fuck, the dinner’s burning.

Lousy wife I’m going to make.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

In which a Job ensues and all hell breaks loose...

You don’t know what made you do it.

You were feeling so good. You were feeling pumped. You were listening to the music and you were singing that song, lyrics wrong, but fuck it, right, it wasn’t your fault you were born?!

Jamming along. Oh yeah! Look at me go! I’m checking these emails, I’m like ch-ch-checking these emails, send, retrieve, send, retrieve, you were ON FIRE, your fingers were blazing up on that keypad, knocking in those digits, BISH BASH BOSH, send, retrieve, send retrieve, you’re like – a professional now, at all this emailing bullshit, somebody employ me in ADMIN, come on, look – eyes shut – BANG, SEND, DONE, hello reply! Oh, no hands, I’m using my toes, I’m toeing that keypad, don’t worry about it, I’m a pro, I’m like – on fire; oh ‘regards’, ‘your sincerely’ LOVELY, WONDERFUL, ‘I’M WILLING TO DO YOUR SHIT WITHOUT BEING PAID THAT’S HOW SOLID I AM MOTHER-FUCKERS’ – confirmation – message sent – fifty a day, DONE, employment, and you’re in the game, baby.

You are. On fire.

You’re sweating. You’ve burnt enough calories in equivalent to a twenty minute run on the treadmill. Just working those fingers. A little bead of sweat, dropping down your nose. Mmmm. Sexy. Don’t even worry about it. It’s work baby. It’s called job hunting.

Yeah, my heart rate is above 100. And what? You want to feel my forearm. Yeah, look at that tensed muscle. That popping vien. No I’m not on steroids; I’m just typing with finger weights, don’t even worry about it. I’m shaking? Ha. Can you see me shaking?! No, you can’t. Exactly. It’s not nerves (laughs derisively) nerves are for the weak, the failing, the unemployed, nerves were expelled long ago, you’re not shaking, who shakes, who the fuck shakes? Losers shake, you want to be scared of those phone calls you go eat twenty McDonalds and gain two stone, it’s called GIVING UP, it’s for the weak, the failing, the unemployed, hell yeah, I’m not letting rejection get me down, I’m like a warrior, I’m like a Spartan or a Viking or a Space Marine, or a mother-fucking ORK, I’m talking about War Hammer, and what!?

So yeah, I’ve had some coke, no not the drug, the drink. Same equivalent. ADDICTION.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT MADE ME DO IT!

Maybe it was the insufficient funds in my account. Maybe it was the coke in my bloodstream, pumping like two shots of Expresso taken in each eyeball, yeah, four in total. Maybe it was the Zara Business Coat, rattling in the wardrobe (ignore it ignore it ignore it) maybe, it was the sound of my heart once I had suddenly stopped typing.

Silence.

Pump, pump pump.

Don’t even worry about it. I’m just a just human.

Internet searching. Asos. Clothes clothes clothes TOO BAD ABOUT THE MONEY clothes clothes clothes, retail therapy, don’t you think you deserve those lovely suede boots YES YES YES I DO I DO I DO, all this hard work, I’ll loan the money off a friend, fuck, I HAVEN’T GOT ANY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY KNOW I HAVE NO MONEY, don’t make me go back to the job centre don’t make me do it. Search engine. Africa. TAKE ME PLEASE! Documentaries: Surviving a plane crash. Why would you want to survive? Hahaha joke, sometimes I actually make myself laugh, David Attenborough, oh how I would have loved his job, I’m sending him my telepathic vibes, distraction, cup of tea, ignore the emails, you’ve had enough,

SHOVE FIVE BISCUITS IN YOUR MOUTH

Holy fuck balls what have I done, down two pints of water, resort to casual bulimia, don’t even worry about it, it’s only casual, HOW LOVELY look at that cute little bag, would have gone beautifully with the ZARA BUSINESS COAT, don’t mention it, don’t mention it, cheap flights, ‘cheap’: yeah right, and then –

Horoscopes.

Now we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel. What barrel? And can I sell it?

The future. You have never been superstitious. But What If? What if? So many ‘What Ifs’ coupled with so many choices and suddenly…

Did I tell you? They offered me The Job?

Gemini:

‘Versatility is a great keyword for this dual sign. Expressive and quick-witted, the Gemini presents two distinctive sides to his or her personality, and you can never be sure with which one you're going to come face-to-face. On one hand, the Gemini can be outgoing, flirtatious, communicative, and ready for fun, fun, fun. Yet when the other twin is present, you can find this air sign contemplative, serious, restless, and even indecisive. Both twins are able to adapt to life's circumstances well, making them wonderful people to know. Things are never boring when a Gemini is on the scene.’

Schizophrenic.

Schizo – fucking - phrenic

Is the computer calling me a Schizophrenic? Can it see me?

How did it do that? Does it know me? How does it know me? Oh my God, is it watching me? Is there a Gemini God? Oh no! How many other Gemini’s are there, like me, destined to be Schizophrenic? And how does it know me? Does it know me? HOW DOES IT KNOW ME?!

It’s fine, I’m cool, don’t even worry about it.

Don’t even worry about it, don’t even worry, I’m not worried, are you worried, who’s worried, who’s worried, OH GOD, I am worried, are you worried, I am, I AM WORRIED Oh no, I am shaking, I am shaking, look, I’ve got the shakes, OH NO, the shakes have returned,

SHIT IN A BAG THERE GOES THE PHONE

RING RING, RING RING,

IT MIGHT BE WORK, ASKING ME TO ACTUALLY WORK

It’s like an irritating child needing attention SHUT THE FUCK UP, nobody gives a shit about you, you were a mistake, you’re weren’t meant to be BORN you aren’t NATURAL

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DRIIIIIIINNNNKKKK TTTHHHHEEE CCCOOOKKEE

(Drink the coke, drink the coke, sip sip sip yum yum yum liquid syrup, better now much better!)

THEY. ARE. WATCHING. YOU.

Who? I don’t know. The stars. The star Gods. God? Is there a God? I don’t know. I JUST DON’T KNOW. What if it’s true after all, what if all along I could have just logged into the computer and typed in my details and it would have said January, 10^th 2012 you will fall down a man hole I HAVE A JOB.

Ring ring, ring ring,

Its like a horror film, it feels like Scream, or The Ring, SEVEN DAYS, more like one, I start tomorrow, what was I thinking; I can work, can’t I? Right? I can work? Piece of piss, just got to make some coffees, heat up some milk, BUT what if I burn myself on the milk, what if I burn the milk and it bubbles over and then I have a hand scarred for life, or even my face, what if I walk into a colleague carrying a knife and it stabs me in the eye and then I go blind, what if I’ve forgotten how to work; you mean, I’m actually going to be doing something, are you trying to tell me I’m actually going to have be doing something?

HOLY SHIT CRAP WANK the phone has rang off, I missed the phone call, ring them back ring them back ring them back, NO! DON’T RING THEM!

Ring them ring them ring them, OK OK I’LL RING THEM ILL CALL THEM,

OH HANG ON THEY’RE RINGING ME! (Ring ring, ring ring)

(Caller) “Hello, is this Amber Hillier?”

(Me) (posh voice, calm, breathing measured, fresh smile) Speaking.

(Caller) Hi there, this is someone or other calling from someplace or another, we’d like to know if you are still looking for work

(Oh no oh no I have a job I have a job ALREADY, don’t say it, don’t say it don’t say –)

(Me) Yep, I certainly am available to work (what am I doing what am I doing what am I doing?)

(Caller) Great, you’ll be able to start training next week?

(no I can’t, no I can’t, no I can’t)

(Me) Yes, of course I can

(You don’t want it you don’t want it you aren’t free what are you doing?)

(Me) (Chat chat chat autopilot, am I speaking? Oh, I guess I am oh look at that I’ve confirmed and hung up, why am I holding a pen, oops, I must have written in my diary when IM AT WORK TRAINING(?) except for the fact that I ALREADY HAVE A JOB)

Ring them back ring them back ring them back, you don’t want it you don’t want it you don’t want it, I DO I DO I DO I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT! Two jobs two jobs two jobs what is happening what is happening I cant deal with this I want to be unemployed take me back two months and I’ll do it all again, I KNOW WHAT TO DO, JUST LET ME CHECK MY HOROSCOPE!

Gemini, 18^th October 2011:

The Rolling Stones said it best, "I can't get no satisfaction," and that's how you've been feeling lately, Gemini. Indeed, looking back on your recent activities, you may feel a bit like a character in Wonderland - running as fast as you can just to stay in the same place. The day ahead will provide some relief and open up new, more fulfilling opportunities.

To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was going for with this blog.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Food and Beverage are my two Favourite Things.......

‘Food and Beverage Assistant.’

That is what they are calling it these days. I’m going to say it’s simply smiling and carrying plates. Pretty easy in fact.

Hmmmm.

Narrow-minded?

No. I’m a degree student!

Then why did Sarah get a rash come up on her neck, when, at the dreaded ‘Minnow’, the manager had explained that you weren’t allowed to carry any less than three plates at a time? Then why was it that, at a trial shift at Hoebridge Golf Club, the assistant chef put an extra plate on my wrist to balance, and taken by surprise by the wobbling fish cakes, I yelled ‘take it off take it off take it off take it off!’ Then – to the shocked stares of all those in the kitchen, I hastily blamed it on my bracelet and said I’d have to make two trips?

I pretended not to hear when one of them suggested quietly – ‘why don’t you just take the bracelet off?’ and I shuffled out, donning a smile and reminding myself that in order to walk (and what a tricky business that is) you have to put your right foot forward, followed by your left, and continue with confidence and precision.

I didn’t realise I was on a trial shift for the circus. I would have bought along my hoola hoop.

Food. And Beverage. Assistant.

They just love the job terms now, don’t they? Executives, and analysts, and representatives and assistants and corporates and managers and all these terms that talk about doing something of something, that lead you to ask… ‘and what exactly, is it that you do again?’

I am a ‘Food and Beverage Assistant.’ I assist with the food and beverage. In other words:

I don a smile and I carry those plates!

What could possibly go wrong?!

- You lean over old ladies in order to pick up their saucers and they are chatting so animatedly that they lean back and knock over the jug of water you’d been carrying, and there is it, an ice cube, sitting on the top of her perm.

- You listen to men telling you the meat had been too tough, and there is something about the way they say it that suggests it is a sexual remark.

- You can’t hear what your customer is saying so you make them a whisky and a so-co, instead of a whisky and soda. Fuck. Who drinks whiskey and so-co? Seriously?

- You are too scared to ask ‘pardon’ for the fourth time, so you apologise and call your colleague over instead, feigning sudden illness.

- You realise you don’t know what brandy is.

- Your colleagues think you are little-miss-good-girl who doesn’t drink, because you can’t tell the cabernet sauvignon from the merlot. You do drink. You just care what.

- You shake whilst watched by two young gentlemen, staring at the top of their pint and saying ‘is there actually any beer in there?’ before having to pour them another.

- You serve a cake with nuts in it, thinking its carrot cake and not realising it was coffee and walnut. Thank Christ there was no anaphylactic shock.

- You are scared of the computerised till that is beyond anything you have ever seen.

- You avoid the bar at all costs because you cannot face having to ask someone yet again what glass is meant to be used for what drink.

- You avoid the bar at all costs because temptation is simply too great.

- You avoid the bar because it means you will have to talk to someone and you are scared incase they see inside you mouth. Which has turned white. Oral thrush. Hormone imbalance. Due to the stress.

All the above are clearly cases of over-thinking a ‘what-if?’ scenario. Obviously none of them have happened. Obviously. I mean… mouth thrush?! Yeah, right. They haven’t happened. Honestly. Kind of. Yet. Or ever. And I’m not saying they will. I’m just saying. They might. Or something. Anyway. It’s hot in here. I’m going to open a window.

You have been out of work too long.

The on set of a waitressing job is giving you the social sweats.

Just remember – you got a first on that dissertation. Too bad it wasn’t on pulling pints.