In which 'My Fairly Adequate Life' has just about the same level of 'Adequateness' as everybody else's.

I’d like everyone to meet my friend Sarah:

  She is the sexy one on the right with the tight leather jacket. I am the demented looking one on the left, smiling like a retarded child.

This photograph was taken in Switzerland on the way up the Alps; my Uncle and his friends took us on their motorbikes during last summer when we went inter-railing. It was a day of dreams. Of cows rattling their bells up the mountains. Of sharp corners on a bike with my thighs wrapped round a random man I had never met before (my Uncle’s friend, not my Uncle.) Of riding no handed and wondering what would happen if I flew off the back. Of breathtaking scenery. (This is the obvious one I felt I had to mention.) Of glaciers. (Sarah almost had an orgasm – she’s a geographer.)  Of really wierd little creatures my Uncle was obsessed with and therefore took numerous pictures of (pictured below) 

Here we were: young, care-free, full of life and hope. It was like looking down at the world and saying – “bring it, bitches.” Sarah, telling me her plans of this year, her high hopes and her flushed face like a beacon of pure enjoyment. I can smell our female arrogance burning in the air of the alps, like a nice cup of warm hot chocolate delivered with a biscuit, but we don’t eat the biscuit, because we don’t need the biscuit, we are too good for the biscuit.  Me, without a plan, but knowing full well that if I jumped off the mountain I wouldn’t die. I simply wouldn’t. I’d bounce. Snag my coat on a branch, land in a canopy of trees, fall right through to land in a moving cart full of straw, driven by a sexy young man without a shirt on who would take me straight to his house for a lovely mug of tea and nice headrub, backrub, foot rub, all the great rubs you could ever want, and a nice steaming shower, and a nice-

And now.

Sarah has something she’d like to share with everybody.

Hillier, Amber (2008)

Hahahah Sarah I am so excited to write this!!!! I will get on it soon!! Probs when I return from Edinburgh.... Im sending you my 'coping strategies' story (how much of it i have done) so maybe you can give it a read or take it on holiday with you? I am desperate

17:28

****Do not reply to this email address, please use recruitment@environment-agency.gov.uk****

Dear Sarah,
Re: External Relations Officer, Reference number: 713635

Thank you for applying for the position of External Relations Officer. After careful consideration, we're sorry to inform you that you weren’t successful on this occasion.

Unfortunately, due to the number of applications we receive we are unable to provide specific feedback to each individual candidate at this stage.

NO. FEEDBACK?

To find out about our latest vacancies you can use the recruitment system to set up job alerts so that you receive details of roles that may be of interest to you.

We'd like to thank you for taking the time to apply for this position. THREE. FUCKING. HOURS.

Kind regards,

OF. MY. LIFE.

The Recruitment Team

WASTED?!

0845 601 2233
recruitment@environment-agency.gov.uk. No thank you.

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This is an automatically generated alert. Please do not reply to this message.

Dear Miss Parker,

Thank you for your application for the position of HR Administrator and Training Coordinator at the MRC National Institute for Medical Research (NIMR).

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that you have not been selected for interview on this occasion.

                                                                                                                                                (Shit wank fuck balls.)

Thank you for the interest (‘OH COME ON!’ THERE WAS NO INTEREST. I APPLIED FOR A JOKE. A JOKE. HAHA. A FUNNY.) you have shown in the MRC National Institute for Medical Research (NIMR) . I hope that this decision does not discourage you from applying for any future vacancies.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact the SSC Contact Centre on 01793 867003.

Yours sincerely


SSC Ltd
HR and Payroll Service Delivery.

Sincerely discouraged,

Sarah Parker.

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Hi Sarah

I am sorry to say that you have not been offered the role at Emwood due to your leave and also the fact they need someone as soon as possible. Such a shame.

Kind regards

Lynn

Lynn Price
Manager
March Recruitment Ltd
01932 839882

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SUCH.

A.

SHAME.

And now when I see the mountain, I see the fall long and high, with a rain storm and lightning and with vultures tearing at my insides even before I’ve hit the ground. And this time, I’ve realised, there is no cart. It would be a miracle. And even if there was a cart – a miracle – there’d still be a really big impact. So.

I guess, just don’t stand near the edge of mountains?

Or maybe do. Depending on how you’re feeling.

(I’m not encouraging it. I’m only saying.)