Sometimes I dream I am sat on the edge of the globe.
It is like a balcony, and the vast never-ending blackness around me is the blanket that keeps me warm; the stars are the candles.
It is so quiet out here. A time-warp. There is nowhere else to be, there is no-one else to see, there is nothing I need; I am nameless. The earth is my lover who doesn’t have a voice, the sphere is the other half of my heart that beats to a separate rhythm; we do not need one another, but, we know - we both belong.
I am drinking champagne out of a tall glass, I am smoking a cigarette in a way that Cruella Devil would be proud of. I don’t know if it is possible to smoke in space - but I am. I don’t even know if it possible for me to enjoy the taste of cigarettes. But right now – I am.
And in the corner of my eye, a satellite waves its little metal arms at me, and falls straight out of orbit.
I drop my champagne in haste, and the glass smashes, defying all scientific laws; the liquid falling back to earth, like a mini waterfall of beautiful bubbling bliss.
Oh.
How odd, I think. That isn’t meant to happen.
And in my desperate urge to do something random, I leap off the balcony, Batman style, yelling at the satellite – ‘Take me with you!’
Crashing to Earth with an almighty Bang.
And some serious open-top-car hair.
A current ‘Amber Hillier to-do list’ looks something like this:
- Get up before eight am to encourage feelings of pro-activity
- Jog before nine am (reasons as above)
- Breakfast
- Shower
- Check emails (after praying despite lack of religion)
- Check facebook
- Contemplate life
- Consider the state of the weather
- Re-check emails in the hope that there WAS an important email that I in actual fact missed
- Send some more emails in the hope of getting important email replies
- “I’M JUST BUSY BEING BUSY.”
- Have a poo
- Go to the bank and delve once again into savings account
- Spend your savings on car tax (this is still pending….. to-do-type: URGENT)
- Search for jobs (ongoing. Also URGENT.)
- Search for internships (ongoing. SEMI-URGENT)
- Have a glass of cheap white wine supplied by Grandad Ray (THE MOST URGENT)
- Meet a friend who will comment on how exhausted you look.
- Watch the sinking sun and call it a day. It’s been a tough day of hard-earned work without the hard-earned cash.
- Ring job centre plus. Fuck. You missed the meeting – it was supposed to be during the scheduled time of ‘contemplating life.’
An ‘Amber Hillier-is-potentially-going-to-get-killed-by-a-satellite-at-some-point-tomorrow-night-to-do list’, looks something like this:
- Sprint as fast as one can for as long as one can to see what one feels like to be completely exhausted. Also aiding process of death
- Buy a real designer handbag and fill it with sweets and chocolate and coca-cola and go and sit by the canal drinking and eating and getting hyperactive. My favourite day.
- Throw the real designer handbag in the canal and feel pleasure watching the expensive leather submerge
- No money. Try and get as far away as possible and make it back before the satellite hits you. Exciting!
- Learn Chinese
- Sleep on a dessert, under the stars (not sure how feasible this would be in one night)
- Tell potential lovers your true feelings for them
- The above will effect other night events
- Give all your money and possessions (all you own, not a lot, but it’ll do) to someone that needs it. Like Scottish Colin you met whilst travelling in Switzerland, who stuck up for you when a man asked you to touch his penis. (“You put her hand on your dick I’ll put my dick on your face”)
- Sky dive. Not really. But it’s a standard aim to have, isn’t it?
- Take some drugs and have an orgy. Once again, this is just a thought.
Hmmm…..
So far I am considering both lists and feeling vaguely unsure which one holds the most suitable life choices, considering my current situation. I feel the first is boring, exhausting and emotionally draining. I feel the latter is exciting, kind of mid-life-crisis style, pushing boundaries as well as an already dwindling bank account. It’s also written under the impression that death is impending, and therefore has no long term benefits. Which is an error considering there is a fairly large chance the satellite won’t hit me.
And now there is one more list to throw a spanner in the works –
The ‘Josh-thinks-this-should-be-the-most-important-Amber-to-do-list-yet.’: (written by my boyfriend. Who clearly holds me in high esteem!)
- Give Josh a blowjob
- Make him lunch/breakfast/snacks
- Rub his foot… Just one of them.
- Allow him to rest
- Bring more snacks
- A further blow job. Sex, depending on whether or not he has had enough rest
- Rub the other foot
- More rest
- Reading time
- Television time. Bring wine
- Walk
- Dinner/snacks
- Popcorn
- Sex.
Ohhhh!!
Aren’t I just blessed with all the choices!!!!
“Hello opportunities!!!!”
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