The Three Best Things In Life

The three best things in life:

Wine, sex, and chocolate brownies. The equation to any happy female.

Of course, the wine and the chocolate brownies can be swapped in and out for other things. For example – beer, crisps, and sex. Possibly wine, beer and sex, if you have the following day off work and you’re up for a hangover. Or even, ‘David Attenborough’s Frozen Planet,’ crisps, and sex. Because David Attenborough’s voice is like sex itself, so you get a double portion. Plus you get the information. And the realisation that you’re not a very important member of the planet after all, which kind of makes you feel less bad about being a shit person and a solid underachiever.

Anyway, if one of those things is missing from your girlfriends life –

Holy. Shit. Balls.

She is no longer that sweet looking girl with the just-so-sweet-sounding voice who you used to believe would make an excellent mother to your children. She is transformed, a demon, a crazed shell of everything blown out of proportion – she’s like the contraceptive pill in walking form, bad PMS summarised in the outline of your previous beloved, she is the representation of her own reaction when you forgot (after a year and a half) what her middle name was, except this time she NEVER lets it slip, she is -

Get that hard-on, get that hard-on, COME ON BOY, please dear Lord, save me before she –

And what makes it worse is that when she is in this state, deprived of alcohol sugar or sex depending, she reminds you somewhat of your own mother.

Oh. So that’s the way the world works. And now you know why your parent’s marriage is failing.

Definitely doesn’t help matters. No. Makes it worse. Unsurprisingly.

You better get your mind in gear boy. You better get on that Tesco trip. You better get yourself aroused and in the game regardless of whether or whether not your girlfriend is wearing her ‘snuggle pants’ and has a massive cold resulting in an ugly blotchy face, because until all her needs are achieved - as you have learnt from the True Voice of Nature that is David Attenborough himself - she will be hormonal, needy, desperate and just plain ANGRY.

This is a warning.