Reasons why you should never want to work in customer service –
- I’m sorry. Did your mother ever teach you how to queue? Yeah, because obviously I knew you were next in line, seeing as how you joined the cluster of swarming walking greed in a desperate bid to be the first for coffee. You’re like wasps struggling to get out of an upside down tumbler glass. No! Don’t worry! You’re not going to suffocate! I’m sure you will survive if you wait just three minutes for your regular fucking black filter with hot milk.
- Customer: “I’d like a black coffee with milk please.”
Me: “Erm…… ok, so…. A white coffee, then.”
Customer: (angrily.) “No. No a black coffee. I want it black. With milk.”
Me: “Riiiiiiiiighhhht ok. So….”
Customer: “Just make me a black coffee”
Me: (Making the black coffee) “There you go.”
Customer: “Where’s the milk?”
(Oh. Brilliant.)
- Customer: “Is this cream or milk?”
(Need I say any more?!)
- Customer: “Is my bacon bap coming as a take-away?”
Me: “Did you order it as a take-away?”
Customer: “I just ordered a bacon bap.”
Me: “Right so… you didn’t order it as a take-away?”
Customer: “No, I didn’t. I just ordered it just now with the lady over there.”
Me: “Right, yeah, but… you didn’t say: ‘I would like this as a take-away’ when you ordered it?”
Silence.
Customer: No.
Silence.
Ok hang on one moment while I tune in telepathically with the chefs to let them know that you wanted a take-away. Because clearly we are very skilled in body language and we already realised that what you actually wanted was to take the bap home. Obviously we knew that. Of course it is coming as a take-away. We always read minds.
- Customer: “Are the chicken fajitas suitable for vegetarians?”
(Are you safe to be out by yourself?)
- Customer: “I don’t like nuts and you didn’t tell me the coffee and walnut cake had nuts in it.”
Me: Right. Well. I am very sorry about that. Would you like me to change it for another cake that doesn’t actually have the name of a nut in the title?”
(I am worried about your mental health.)
- Management: “Can you just take the cake out of fridge and get rid of all the crumbs?”
(So…. you want me to throw the whole cake away then?)
(It’s a fucking cake!)
(CAKE IS CRUMBS!)
- Customer: “A tea with the tea-bag left out please.”
Me: “Ok, so, yeah, I’ll take the tea bag out for you if you’d like.”
Customer: No, don’t take it out, I want the tea bag out.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ll take it out.”
Customer: “No I mean – I want the tea bag out.”
Me: Ok so…
Customer: JUST GIVE ME A CUP OF HOT WATER AND A TEA BAG.”
Me: “Jeez. Ok, calm down. You could have just said that in the first place.”
- Customer: “I’d like a hot orange please.”
Me: “Erm… a hot orange?”
Customer: (Looking at me as though I am stupid) “Yeah. A hot orange. They’re quite easy to make.”
(Is that a drink or is it literally an orange in the microwave?)
Me: (looking disgusted) “You just want an orange juice with hot water?”
Customer: “A hot orange.”
Me: “Yeah so a drop of orange squash and then hot water.”
Customer: (getting pissed off) “Just pour an orange squash and add some hot water. They are really quite simple.”
(Isn’t that what I just said?)
Me: (smiling) There you go, lovely.
(That’s disgusting. Next time I’m going to refuse to serve you.)
- Customer: (Pointing at any one item out of the one hundred in the fridge.)
Silence.
Me: Sorry. What was that you’d like?
Customer: (Pointing again.)
Silence.
Me: I’m sorry I can’t see what you’re pointing at.
Customer: The muffin.
(There are five different forms of muffins.)
Ok. Lets just get my telepathic brain on again. Oh! I know what muffin it is you want! It is the dickhead muffin!
So. Fucking. Rude.
