It is that time of year again.
The start of the year.
Back to work.
Feeling good (?!)
Everybody feels good in the first ten days of January.
Fresh hopes.
Clean starts.
New clothes.
A whole NEW year……
Isn’t it exciting(?!)
Think of all the GOOD STUFF that might happen!
All the exciting adventures!
The strange NEW places!
The crazy NEW people!
All the NEW stuff!
Everybody just loves the word NEW!
NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW !!!!
(Am I even spelling it right?....... Who cares! Let’s invent a NEW spelling for it!!!)
(Such bullshit.)
No. The new year is only the New Year for ten days, tops. It’s all about the first ten days, really, isn’t it? Those precious first ten. The first ten in which you stare ahead at all the unmarked days on the calendar and you think ‘what great things am I going to achieve this year, on February the second?’ Or ‘who may I meet on October thirteenth?’ or ‘Perhaps I’ll win a cash prize in March?’
Anything after the first ten and the questions you start asking upon reviewing the steadily filling calendar turn into ‘who’s going to get divorced this year?’ ‘What member of the family is going to make the dreaded decision to have the dog put down?’ ‘Who is going to be responsible for the mad old deteriorating granny?’ And the bizarrely addictive question that crosses everyone’s minds (though they might deny it) ‘Which one of us is going to die this year?’
Anything after the first ten days of January and suddenly you realise you have already failed to uphold your new years resolutions, you’re definitely NOT going to succeed in losing that extra half a stone you gained ‘just because it was Christmas’ and NO, you’re not going to get that promotion at work because at the staff Christmas party you got too pissed, came on to a married forty year old (actually, you don’t know if this true as you don’t remember, but the main thing is IT MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED) proceeded to vomit, and now you’re left with the realisation that you can’t remember how you got home.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we?
Haven’t we?
Haven’t…. Haven’t we…..?!
(Guys………………………………….?!)
I just want to snuggle with someone.
January is one big month-long hangover, because after Christmas and New Year, you literally need one month to recover. It is still within the first ten days of January, and I am still feeling good about my many resolutions! I am bright, happy, attentive, excited, prosperous, WIDE-EYED, feeling sparkly, spritzy, spritely, I am –
Who the fuck am I kidding?! I am bleary-eyed, stiff, blotchy, tired, achy, paranoid about the way I acted at staff party night, in sight, I AM HUNGOVER AS FUCK
HOWEVER
The moral of the story is….
I AM STAYING POSITIVE!!!
Yes. Positive about being positive! Positivity breeds positivity. You breathe in oxygen and out comes positivity! You eat a piece of cheese and out comes positivity! You realise you will not succeed at your new years resolution to lose half a stone if you don’t stop eating cheese, but admitting this results in positivity!
And do you know why you are so positive?!
YES! YES YOU DO!
Because it is not the sodding shitty year of 2011 anymore!
Yes. There were many trials and tribulations during 2011 and I'm sure I am not the only person of my age who is happy to waver them goodbye!
MICROGYNON, to start. The contraceptive pill you should consider taking if you think that sex is worth depression. (It clearly is.)
Pop this pill and start crying when there is no milk in the fridge, cry when nobody opens the car door for you (why would they? You are worthless and irritating and good for nothing!)Cry because the cat that lives next door has only got three legs (its only ever had three legs.) Cry because… you are crying!
The onset of graduation – Everybody tricked you into thinking you were waving goodbye to education (hurrah, finally!) and into the exciting world of work. They forgot to take into consideration that a) you actually quite liked the bubble of bliss that was education; the unwavering belief that what you were studying actually mattered, the confines of an age where you could go out and party on a student loan and then complete your work in your own time*. Oh… and point b) There was no work. So…….
*Note the key phrase
Not only that, 2011 said a lot about you as a person, I imagine. For example, my mother, stepfather and younger brother decided to up sticks and move to Abu Dhabi. Rather than go with them, I stayed in England. This was firstly interesting, and secondly…. Mildy interesting. I am still, as it currently stands, trying to understand myself. From this recognition I have concluded I DO NOT KNOW MYSELF which apparently goes against all youthful gangster morals. Meaning I am not a gangster.
Following that summary, I also had a birth mark removed from my face in 2011, because it was said that 30% of those particular little cheeky monkeys apparently turn out cancerous. I decided to put my cards on the table and resign myself to the scalpel… and the safety of the knowledge that it would stop bleeding, itching, pussing, growing (yes, I do believe it was growing!) and all in all looking like a massive scab that would occasionally sprout a random lump. I was very fond of my birthmark, and it was a sad, sad day seeing it removed (yes, I literally saw it removed as it was directly under my eye.) From this choice of action I deduce that I am not a risk taker. Or in actual fact, I am just not bloody stupid enough to keep a piece of skin to save my face. I also quite like scars. So……
This last one is particularly hard to admit, but during 2011 I had to give up my captaincy of the RH Tom Cats, my University Cheerleading Squad. I hung up my Kaepas and waved goodbye to fitness,
HOWEVER –
Positivity breeds positivity, and I’m sure I’ll be coaching again (nod nod wink wink watch this space 2012 NEW SQUAD?!?!)
BOOM!
2011 is so inadequate right now it’s like the dot on top of a capital letter ‘I’, it’s like a designer handbag that you can’t keep pens in, it’s like the scar from a badly missed birthmark that ISN’T CANCER, it’s like…. Out the door and round the corner! And we are veering straight into 2012 with the complete knowledge that this year YOU ARE GOING TO BE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY SELFISH!!!!
Yay!
